I Bought a “Fancy” Cheese

Gouda evening cheese lovers!


So, I got a little caught up in the fancy cheese section last week. By that I mean I rummaged around in the sale bucket for a couple minutes until finding something small and in my budget. I decided on a cute little rectangle of cheese blessed with the name “L’etivaz Alpkase.” Warning: If you say that out loud, your cart WILL start levitating.

All jokes aside, I really had hope for this cheese. I am an optimist when it comes to cheese, but I was sadly mistaken with this one. It seemed to have a good texture and looked fresh from a cheese wheel, whatever that looks like in the King Soopers deli. It was obviously part of the hard-cheese family, so I predicted it would taste similar to parmesan, asiago, or provolone.  The bright red “SALE” sticker should have been enough to deter my purchase, but I couldn’t pass up the $3 dollar price tag. Yes, I fell victim to the sale price, don’t fight me.

Okay, let me break this down. The taste of this one strongly emanated parmesan, so I was right about that, but there was definitely a lingering aftertaste of gym shoe. If anything, this is a weak substitute for parmesan that no one should go out of their way to purchase. I could (maybe) fathom someone buying this if they literally had no other option. Think: Kraft was sold out and you’re not cancelling spaghetti night.

Being the thrifty bitch that I am, I figured there must be a way to put this god-given food to tangible use on this earth, whether that be using it as bait for a future mouse trap, or a snack for the dog that I do not have. Frankly, I’m not even sure if dogs are supposed to eat cheese, but I have a feeling you shouldn’t give it this one if you’re a loving pet owner.

Here are some suggested recipes for the lovely L’etivaz Alpkase:

  • Store it away in place that you’ll forget about and see what happens. Your kid’s science fair project will be stellar.
  • Go ahead, put it on pasta if you’re one of those people who “can’t waste food”. The marinara should overpower the taste anyway.
  • Use it for your fruit & cheese platter when the in-laws are visiting. Tell them it’s a lavish cheese imported from a small town in Italy.
  • Feed it to your toddler to convince them to begin a vegan diet early. (Better results if they have not tried mac & cheese).
  • Find out, once and for all, if there actually mice in your dorm.
  • Find the nearest pair of rubber gloves, surgical mask, and other protective gear and throw it far, far away. Bonus points for neighbors yard or alley trash can.

I’ve given you a multitude of options if you ever find this cheese laying around in your kitchen, so you should have all the tools you need to avoid purchasing this cheese. My advice to you now is to go eat some cheddar, or any other generic cheese that everyone likes, and stay the hell away from the sale bucket of fancy cheese at the grocery store.


One thought on “I Bought a “Fancy” Cheese

  1. I love going to the “Under $5” section in King Soopers! Sometimes, there is some really awful cheese though. I used to try the cheese before I left the store and if I didn’t like it, I’d just hide it behind cereal boxes. So I appreciate this post so I know not to even try this Leviosa cheese!

    The humor in your writing is also stellar. I’m sitting in class right now smiling by myself looking like a weirdo.


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