Dear Blue Cheese Haters

I pity you for avoiding a perfectly good cheese simply because of its strong, unique flavor. As a cheese intellectual, I have the right to roast you. Or shall I say, grate you into the trash like an expired wedge of parmesan.

I’ll start with a basic question: Do you know what will happen to cheese cuisine if you are afraid of flavor? You are the reason strongly flavored cheese gets a bad reputation. You are the reason Deborah is buying another value pack of American cheese at Costco.

Your unsolicited hatred for blue cheese will become so adamant that it will cause riots, violence and terror. As you contemplate whether to buy the mild or super mild cheddar, another wedge of blue cheese is being thrown away because you didn’t feel like adding a little zest into your life. There is a division being created in society and it is your fault. Soon enough, the government will enforce a ban on cheese in attempt to maintain peace among civilians. Amidst the chaos, blue cheese fanatics will go on strike — protesting, fasting, creating new fad diets consisting solely of gorgonzola milkshakes. Before you know it, the annual Cheese Purge will become a new tradition in American society. We will be condemned to Kraft single sliced American cheese, individually packaged and sent straight to us from Satan. One 24 pack will be delivered to our doors via drone, any other type of cheese accessed only through the dark web.

All of this will progress to a third World War. Troops of angry blue cheese haters armed with cans of Easy Cheese will infiltrate into our homes, forcing us to adapt to a diet of processed cheese. We will conform to a mundane and robotic life, squirting Cheez Whiz into our mouths after a long day of work without even the decency of a saltine cracker.

It’s the year 3071. Grandparents are sitting in rocking chairs telling their grandchildren  folktales about the mac and cheese bar at Whole Foods. Children look up to their elders with stars in their eyes, wondering about the mystery that is “Cheese,” once adored by many but deemed in history books as a the food that tore society apart. Granny is trying to explain that because of the Cheese Purge back in 2018, the word “blue cheese” was banned in society, not even a trace remaining in this future generation.

No one remembers what cheese tasted like. It’s almost like it never even existed.  Blue cheese haters — choose your destiny wisely. Every move you make, every blue cheese salad you avoid, is one more step toward oblivion.

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